last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
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i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
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Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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