And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
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She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
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We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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