so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
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Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
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You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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