I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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