Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
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I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
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I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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