he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
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We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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