Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize