i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
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she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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