I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
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Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
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