Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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