I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
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She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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