Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
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You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
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I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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