Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
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I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
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Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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