I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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