We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
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i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
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Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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