cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize