I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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