I swear she didn't look like that last week.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
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I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
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Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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