it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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