i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
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I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
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and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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