Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
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You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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