At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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