And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
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Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
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These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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