he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i came on her dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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