Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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