The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
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he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
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I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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