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Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
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