Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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