I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
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How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize