Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I stole a fireplace last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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