I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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