Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize