I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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