I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
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She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
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But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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