So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
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There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
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