Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
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I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
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The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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