I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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