Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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