Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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