Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize