Cold hands, warm shart.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
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