bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
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I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
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there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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