I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
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We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
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So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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