Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
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during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
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I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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