She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
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The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
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I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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