so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
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Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
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You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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