I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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