My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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