ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
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That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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