awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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